So I've always been the type of person that believes that friends are family, and that we'd do anything for eachother, well at least...that's how I feel. Not a lot of people know this, actually, probably only 2 people in my life know this, and after this post, whomever reads it will too.
I'm afraid of being alone. I've always had this fear that everyone that I love will either abandon me, or perish. I know it's definitely not something I should be thinking of, especially at my age, but that doesn't change the fact that I still think it. I love my friends to death. Nothing could or will ever change that. Anyone who's anyone knows that I don't give up on people that easily, if ever. You're my friend from the beginning and someone would have to do something pretty drastic and life altering in order for me to give up on them.
I've had plenty of arguments, few fights, and many confrontations that ended up separating friends and I for a brief period of time, but in the end, I was always right back to the way things were, even if said friend/s thought I wouldn't "take them back."
But back to the alone part...I don't know, I've just always had the feeling. A lot of people think it's just me being melodramatic because I love superman and he's the tortured soul that risks his life for people everyday because in the end, he has no one since he can live forever. I guess in a way, I DO relate to him in the sense that I always try to help people. Day in and day out.
Friends have called me selfless, teachers have called me a martyr...and as for myself? I just call myself Amber and continue to do what I do in how I help people. Seeing my friends and family happy, is fine for me. That's all I need.
In my senior psychology class last year, our teacher asked us each the same question: "If you could have one super power, what would it be and why?" So you know...there are the typical - Super strength, super speed, telepathy, x-ray vision...normal super hero stuff lol... - anyway, it got to me, and I answer, "The ability to heal people because there are too many in the world who get ones they love taken away for no reason." After I answered, everyone just stared at me like a deer caught in headlights.
Anyway, I don't know, I'm just that type of person who likes to see the good in people, even though I doubt myself like crazy. People who know of me, know I don't open up to people often, if ever. And the ones who KNOW me, know that I don't open up for reasons of my own. I don't let people in because it's easier. Easier in that I don't get hurt, and easier that I don't hurt someone by disappointing them. Ones who I have let in...well they're lucky and got past me at a vulnerable point in which my walls weren't completely stable. That's just the way that I am. I know I put off a "bad-ass, take no crap" attitude sometimes, but it's not me. Well, I mean it IS me to an extent, and then again its not.
I wanted to go out of state for college. Why? Because I wanted to get out and experience the real world. Most of my friends went away to college, and that feeling of being alone just intensified. For the longest time, I felt more vulnerable and alone than I ever had, but in the past month or so, I've started feeling myself shy away from that. In the beginning of my starting college, I felt that I shouldn't leave the state because of my friends and family, but recently, I've started feeling that I need to go.
Explore.
Live.
I know what I want. I'm just not sure how to get it yet. Another one of life's obstacles to accomplish.
~A
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Kim says:
You can never see the beauty of the world until you take off the blindfold.
You can't heal others until you heal yourself. You need to take care of yourself, make yourself happy.
Do what makes you happy and everything else will follow suit.
Kim
March 22, 2009 at 11:26 PM
Anonymous
Too a large extent, I agree with you about the friends as family thing. I think mostly it's because we have a choice in the matter. we can decide who we want to be part of our lives.
As for the self-doubt, I've told you this before, but you really have no reason to feel that way. You have qualities that most people dream of having. Focus on the positive. Remind yourself often that you ARE in fact worthy!
As for the journey you're on. Remember this, half the battle is in the knowing and you've already conquered that.
March 22, 2009 at 11:30 PM
Dani says:
Amber, about the leaving State thing … my opinion is that leaving might be a good thing. If you leave you can experience different things while gone and you might get a different perspective of things from a distance. You know, the good part about leaving is knowing that you can always go back again ;)
March 23, 2009 at 9:22 AM
Anonymous
I didn't go away for college...and sometimes I regret that. I think if I had I would probably be more independent...but at the same time I really enjoyed my college years even though I was just commuting to a nearby university.
Amber...a healer is a very admirable super power. :)
March 23, 2009 at 10:19 AM
Lily's Poet says:
March 23, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Lily's Poet says:
Amber,
I liked what you said about friends and family.
Sometimes you need to put yourself first, to then be there for the people that need you.
And about college, well do what your heart says to you. If you need to leave then leave there is so much to see & discover. I don't say it would be easy, but in the end you will be happy to come back and look the world with a new perspective.
And no one is sure on what happens next or how they can get what they want. If you really want something, you will always find a way to get it :) There is no good way, you have to find your way!
Take care.
March 23, 2009 at 11:41 AM
Neera says:
Follow your heart, as cheesy as that sounds, it's the best advice. I feel like I got to know you a lot better from this post, thanks for sharing :-). It's ok to be scared, it's what drives us I think. I wanted to go out state for college too to experience life elsewhere (and I think if everyone has the chance to, they should), but money prevented me sadly lol.
I'll tell you what I told myself, it's ok to be a little selfish once in awhile. If you don't look after yourself, how can you take care of others? Easier said than done, right?
You have a shining personality and don't ever forget that!
Neera
March 23, 2009 at 10:17 PM